bad night at work.
preceded by a bad month and an even worse year.
what do i do when i get home? have my dog curl up next to me and promptly google "effexor overdose"
first i want to see if it's possible to die from an overdose. it is.
then i google "effexor overdose amount" from a link on the first result page, i discover that it takes 900mg to cause toxicity. i take 150mg daily. so six pills.
but six pills would probably only give me seizures. 12 would be good.
i stop and think "christ am i really thinking about this?" sure, the thought has always been in the way back of my mind. i've pretty much convinced myself that it's always there for everyone else to. my thoughts would always come to the fact that i couldn't bring myself to drink bleach, i don't like guns and where the hell does someone get rope. then i would ponder the next thought to come along
but i've never done
this.
i've never researched, counted, wondered.
but i've also never felt so worthless, alienated and alone. like i don't even want to tell anyone about this. usually when i get depressed, i search for someone to talk to. but not this time. there's no one to talk to who wouldn't be annoyed or upset or burdened. i mean....jesus, i'm convinced my own dog doesn't like me. who thinks that?!
what am i supposed to do?
do i check myself into a hospital?
well i can't afford that, so that's out.
i don't know.
this helps. writing everything out. it's like i'm bleeding without making a mess.
i just.....
i have nothing to show. i was thinking about "it's a wonderful life" tonight and how clarence shows george how everyone's lives would be different if he had never been born. as it turns out, george was a good man and quite a few people's lives were worse off without him.
but i'm not good.
i would go so far as to say people's lives would be better without me. my mother wouldn't have a daughter she constantly fights with, my father wouldn't have someone who is perpetually indebted to him, my sister would be an only child with parents who had money to pay for her schooling. my friends wouldn't have someone they felt obligated to calm down at least once a month, if not more. my high school boyfriend would've never became a drug addict. the girls in middle school wouldn't have had a bully. even as a child i was horrible. i preferred my imaginary friends to flesh and blood ones. i told my teachers that my older sister was murdered by "robbers" i never had an older sister.
i haven't done anything for anyone, let alone myself. granted, my family would be sad. but they would get over it. it would take time, of course. they would realize that i had nothing to offer to society, let alone them. i was just a leech that drained them of all their resources.
i brought happiness to no one and pain to everyone.
i'm incapable of establishing meaningful ties to anyone.
maybe my soul expired while i was a child. perhaps i never meant to live to see puberty. it would certainly explain a whole hell of a lot
