i declare war on halloween

i went costume shopping this afternoon. i was psyched. i had a coupon for $10 off at party city, found the costume i wanted from them online, and was sure that since i was going relatively early in the season sizes wouldn't be an issue.

it was nothing short of a trainwreck.

first off, the store didn't even have the costume. and it took me 30 minutes to figure that out because they had pictures of their costumes on a wall. a wall that had pictures of probably a hundred or so pictures. nothing irritates me more than when a store doesn't have the same product as it does online and they don't say it. is it so hard to put "online exclusive" in the description? look, i just did it for you. copy and paste it.

all was not lost. i spotted two slutty inmate costumes and thought that with my recent run-in with the law, this would be perfect. well they didn't have one in my size and the other one was a medium/large. not a good sign, but i tried it on anyway. horrible. i was sporting quite the offensive camel toe. and i couldn't zip it up. disheartened, i left the store and went to the next one.

this store was bigger, but the selection blew. they only had 4, at the most, of each costume and most only went to a medium. then i spotted the female harry potter costume in a large. i had to try it on. here's what it looks like


notice how the skirt covers most of the ass, leaving only a little bit of under-butt cleavage. well, this was not the case for me. it fit just fine. if it were meant to be worn as a shirt. the bottom of the skirt was at the top of my ass.

now, i've never thought that i had a particularly long torso. clearly, i've been wrong about this my entire life. obviously, i have a huge torso, according to the manufacturers of overpriced, wear-one-time-only, cheap pieces of cloth. thanks guys, you're making me hate halloween.

instead of entirely losing my cool and swearing off halloween forever, i've come up with a brilliant solution. every chick goes as a slutty something. slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty taxi driver, slutty clown (i wish i were joking about that one. i am not) this year, i am cutting out the middle man. i will not be a slutty anything; i will just be a plain old slut. my own personal "fuck you" to the costume industry.

i'll get more drinks wearing lingerie, than what the slutty alice in wonderland will get. it clearly says "if you buy me drinks, i'll probably let you see my boobs" whereas, slutty strawberry shortcake says "buy me drinks and i'll make you think you're banging a 6 year old because i have an unhealthy fetish/obsession with my childhood" because really, dressing up like a childhood icon is just a mild form of pedophilia.

or at least that's what im telling myself to feel better about this whole ordeal.