yes, my dog is awesome. please go away now.

everyone, meet pookie.

ok, his actual name is albus mcweenie. and he is adorable.

problem is, i can't take him out in public without being mobbed by people. when i first got him, i was ok with it because it was all new and people seemed to know their boundaries. now, people want to have conversations with me. or worse, him.

i'm ok with kids coming up and playing with him. it makes sense. i can usually pretend to know what kids are talking about long enough for their parents to drag them away. most adults seem to pick up on the fact that i'm horrible at small talk and manage to pull themselves away.

then there are those other people. the ones who i can only assume have no regular human contact because they insist on dragging me through their not-at-all interesting anecdotes about their dogs. i'm willing to listen to people's stories about their dachshunds, because i'm a first time dog owner. they may have something important to share that's breed specific.

i, however, cannot hold a conversation with someone who insists on telling me about their greyhounds, german shepherds, or st. bernards. yes, your dog is 100x bigger than mine, but mine is also smarter than yours. and poops less. and can sit on my lap. yes, i'm sure it is quite different owning a big dog than it is owning a mini-dachshund. like i said: less poop, more cuddles. i don't want to hear about whatever you story you have about when your dog was a puppy, although i'm sure it was fascinating that your dog was 200 lbs at 6 months. i don't care. the worst part is these people don't notice that i'm trying to leave. i'll even say "let's go potty" to my dog and they'll still try to talk to me. some have even followed me, oblivious to the fact that i'm hoping my dog lays a fat turd on the ground so that i have an excuse to ignore them.

then there are the people who talk to him. i imagine they also talk to babies. "you're a pretty boy aren't you?" "oh i bet you're a good dog for your mommy." "i can tell you're a spoiled puppy" what do you do in this situation? at first, i was stupid and replied with "say thank you, albie" then i realized HE'S A FUCKING DOG AND CAN'T TALK. so now i've resorted to "yes, he is pretty. that's why i chose him and not his brother" because, i didn't birth this dog. i can't be like a parent and say "aw thank you" because people are complimenting your genes when they about your child. but when you're like me and your child has 4 legs and tons of hair, you can't really accept responsibility. i get weird looks when i respond that way, but it's either that way or mumbling incoherent syllables and shuffling awkwardly away. i figure the blunt route is less rude. and more my style.

i would like to know what goes through these people's heads though. like, do they realize that they sound crazy? more importantly, do they realize that they probably are crazy? and then i feel really bad for them because their only conversation of the day was either with me or my dog. one of us hates people and the other can't talk. i honestly feel more bad if they talk to me instead of albus. at least he'll give kisses.

Peggy Olson is cooler than you. and me.

*please excuse this interruption in your usually scheduled blog*

i'm currently watching the latest episode of mad men. (i don't have cable at my place, so i catch it a week later on demand at my parents house. dvr's are marvelous) i must admit, in the first and second seasons, i didn't think peggy was much of a character. her story line was interesting, but it interested me the least. it just figures that she ends being the one i can relate the most to. (no, i did have a child and give it up for adoption. just clearing the air on that one, before rumors start)

she's the most modern character on the show. in "love among the ruins", she proves that she isn't willing to live in a man's world. she briefly flirted with the idea of channeling ann margaret, but quickly realized that the sex pot isn't her role. she picks up a guy at the bar and goes back to his place (smart move) she asks the guy if he has a condom, he says no, she says they can do other things. when she tries to leave in the middle of the night, he wakes up and suggests going to breakfast. she turns him down and he counters with "well i hang out at that bar a lot" her response? "oh....ok"

I LOVE THAT WOMAN.

so many women could and should take notes on how peggy operates. she had a child out of wedlock, and instead of shaming the father into being with her, she gives it up because she had other plans for her life. absolutely unheard of in 1963. while the smartest woman in the office, joan, is fretting about being in her 30's and remains engaged to her fiancee who rapes her, just so she can get married, peggy is scheming her way to the top. and it's so under the radar. i'm absolutely floored with what the writers have done with character and ashamed that i wasn't a fan from the beginning.

peggy olson is me. they literally took exact scenes from my life and put it on amc. trying to sneak out of a guys place before the sun comes up? the guy asking to get breakfast even though it's the middle of the night? "oh..ok" in response to him obviously trying to maintain contact? I WROTE THAT BOOK. it's my autobiography, actually.

i don't know how to explain what i'm feeling. she's just a fictional character, but i've never felt so...empowered? that my tv doppleganger has been able to accomplish so much at a younger age than i am right now and at a time when it was so much harder for a woman to do? certainly puts my bitching about my current predicament in perspective.

so, dear reader, this means that you can expect more blogging from yours truly. writing is a talent and passion i've had since i could hold a pencil. i owe it to myself to do something i find fulfilling since my current occupation doesn't provide that. i can't promise that my entries will always be good, or even have something remotely important to say. but i'll try my best to make them entertaining. hope you'll come along for the ride.

*we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog*

when did guys get vaginas?

seriously. when did the switch between guys and girls happen? i was talking to this guy, he made it obvious he wanted a relationship. shortly after, i realized that i just wanted someone to pass the time with until i left hagerstown. nothing serious, just fun, casual dating/boning. so naturally, i stopped talking to him. granted, that was the non-confrontational way out, but in my defense, i also forgot to tell him to stop talking to me.

after a few days of radio silence, he text me today. he's at the beach right now and tells me he'll be back sunday and has monday afternoon free if he wants to hang out. i respond with a non-comittal "ok", hoping he'll see it for what it is: a chicken shit way of saying "go awayyyyyy" he doesn't. or he does and forces me to talk some more. either way, i found i suddenly boarded the train to awkwardbitchville. choo choo.

"do you want to hang out"
"i don't think that's a good idea"
"why's that"
"because you want a relationship and i just want someone to spend time with until i move"
"you're moving?! why didn't you say anything?!"
"because it's not definite and wouldn't happen until a year from now"
"oh...well i don't really want a relationship. i'd just like to spend time with you and if something happens then it happens"

at that point my clingy alarm went off. he even said "i know i can be clingy" then he said "it sounds like you want friends with benefits. i can do that; i never know how i feel about it until i do it" it's like he pulled the line straight from the "so you like him, but he doesn't like you: how to have as much of him as you can" self help book for desperate girls. right next to "he's just not that into you"

which brings me back to my original question: when did guys become chicks?! if you have any answers, please share them with me. or, even better, tips for how to handle these stage 5 clingers.

most awkward night. ever.

tonight, my waking nightmare was realized. my roommate and her, for lack of a better term, boyfriend were here. they were in the dining room doing a puzzle, i was in the living room on my computer. they were laughing, flirting, being young (read: immature), i was listening to angry anti-love songs by brand new. it was such an interesting dichotomy going on. they were laughing, and i figured i'd do my usual "third wheel comments" i'm pretty good at them and manage to make myself feel like i'm not intruding with them.

they're working on the puzzle, and my roommate says "i keep shoving pieces in the wrong spots" so, i, in all my awkward glory, say "story of my life!" comedic bronze, right? it could allude to my life being a massive pile of suck, or a sexual innuendo. or both. i expected half-hearted chuckles and head shakes to this.

didn't happen. no one laughed. roommate said "what is? shoving pieces in the wrong spots?" so in an effort to try to save the joke (notice i said joke and not situation), i said "yeah there's video on the internet" NOTHING.

what am i supposed to do with that?! i wasn't prepared for people not to laugh, because quite frankly that's never happened before. i'm a gd hoot. i don't know what to do, because i don't have a personality, jokes are all i have. jokes and whining. that's what i do, it's who i am. with some hypochondria thrown in for good measure.

anyway, i go back to my angry music. next thing i know, roommate is asking, "is this dashboard confessional?" "no" "is this a cover of dashboard?" "no, this is better than dashboard" "well i know that, but their voices sound similiar" ARRRRGGGGGGG. to be fair, she did nothing wrong; i was just taken aback because i'm never the one who knows the most about music in a room. it was a weird position to be in.

the cherry on top of this whole potentially life ending debacle? my dog chose to hang out with them instead of me! he was merrily chomping away on his bone at her feet, while i sat here wondering what bizzarro dimension i had found myself in. the one where i wasn't funny and my shadow, i mean, dog, chose someone else over me.

this is doing absolutely nothing for my neuroses.