my dogs insist on waking me up at 7 each morning. luna tried to make it 5:30-6:00 a few weeks ago. i don't get it. we only go right back to sleep when we come back in from walking. it's making me so tired.

one of these days, there's gonna be a luna and albus shaped dent in my bedroom wall

back from the dead

i've been told i should start writing again. well, that i should write a blog. and as luck would have it, i have this one.
that i haven't written in since 2009.
and has imported blogs from 2006.
and good god, past me was one angry chick. i thought i had anger in me now....it's absolutely nothing compared to where i was.

anyway, maybe i'll be more diligent about posting in here. i can't guarantee much as my life is fairly boring now. 

stop acting like my mom, facebook

with each passing day, facebook gets creepier and creepier. just now, it had this ad:
no facebook, i did nothing to help your popularity, get that straight! i never gave you my contacts, so stop needlessly thanking me.

then, there's this bullshit:(sidenote: editing pictures with MS paint BLOWS. photoshop has me spoiled) anyway, facebook is making suggestions for me! i can just hear my mother's voice saying "you know, you haven't talked to red spray paint face in a while, why don't you send him a card?" or "you and the other red spray paint face person seem to have an awful lot of friends in common, why don't you go ahead and hang out" BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO, MOM. i mean...facebook.

it's not enough that i already feel bad about not keeping touch with my friends, i have to have facebook passive-aggressively reminding me how horrible of a person i am for not giving a shit about them anymore. then i think about deleting them, only to realize i can't because facebook will yell at me to become friends with them again!

the worst part of all of this are the ad's that it thinks it picked out just for me. for some reason, facebook thinks i live in dallas and constantly gives me ads for "almost 90% off restaurants!" which would be great and all, if i didn't live about 1500 miles east. for a while, it was giving me ads that said "23 and single? we'll tell you how to snag him!" now, it seems to think that i'm pregnant and looking for options. everyday, it'll show me ads of a peed on stick with the headline "you're not alone" well actually, yeah i am, because i'm not with child.

what i'm saying is.....get out of my kool-aid, facebook.

i wanted to fight an old woman who spilled beer on me.

the real reason not to drink and drive

as part of my probation for my dui, i had to attend a victim impact panel tonight. i mentally prepared myself for gut-wrenching horror stories and be told how horrible of a person i am for getting behind the wheel after drinking. i'm not complaining, it would be warranted.

instead, what i got, was a woman preaching about the goodness of the christian god and a police officer with poor grammar and even poorer judgment.

the woman's story was truly heartbreaking. a drunk driver had collided with her. she was in a coma for six weeks, sustained severe nerve damage to her wrists (she couldn't even lift them), broken both arms from holding onto the wheel, one knee now hyper-extends, amongst other things. she hit her head pretty badly, causing her to suffer from short term memory loss and she can no longer multi-task. the entire time she talked about how god got her through. she doesn't remember the crash and thanks god for not allowing to (it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that she suffered brain damage). she was going to have to get surgery to fix her arms and nerves in her wrists. she asked if she could go home for a week before her surgery. when she went in, her arms had healed and she was able to move her wrists, which she attributes to god. (again...nothing to do with the fact that she was in an environment she was happier in, and therefore more adept to heal). she also said that she was able to get through because she was "high from god's love" and because she kept her eye on god, not herself.

i was not a fan of the sermon she was giving. yes, her recovery is amazing. but it's amazing because it's a result of her will to live, not because of her belief in some moral compass in the sky. at this point, i completely checked out mentally, since i realized i wasn't going to get anything out of this obligatory meeting.

after watching a video of another victim, the moderator, who is a police officer, started to close the meeting. he said, and i quote, "i know probation and jail don't work. i know this program don't work. i don't think we'll ever be rid of drinking and driving. the laws are getting tighter, but our jails are so full, that you'll never get jail time unless you're a repeat offender. i've done it before, i even drank and drived while being involved in this program. i know it's wrong. i don't know that we'll ever stop. but i came across this article that said 5,555 children died from drunk driving over 10 years. 64% of them were in the car with the drunk driver. so if nothing else...let's do it for the kids. i mean, you can't not love a kid. so let's do it for them"

uh. seriously? you're really going to stand there and tell me that this is a waste of time and that you know it's a waste of time? then you're going to encourage me to not do it again because of KIDS?! i hate kids. they're germy, annoying and gross. i only like my neighbor's kids bc they're still in the cute phase, though the oldest one is growing out of it. but don't feed me this "the children are our future" bullshit. that won't keep people from drinking driving. i'll tell you what will.

money.

this dui is the most expensive thing i've ever had to deal with. let's run down the costs, shall we?
lawyer fee - $1,200. i only met with him 1 time before my trial. my trial had to be postponed because he had another trial on the same date as mine. he then arrived to mine late, left halfway through only to re-appear in the nick of time.
fines/court costs - $1,000. $650 of that was suspended since the judge gave me probation before judgment. if i get another traffic violation, this includes speeding, i will have to pay that $650, on top of whatever other fine i would get and possibly go to jail. so $350 in fines, 57.50 in court costs amounting to $407.50 that was due by 4pm of the day of my trial.
probation - $95 a month for 11 months totalling $1,140. oh and they only accept money orders or certified checks, nothing online. so i can either spend about $15 to get my personal check certified by the bank each month, or go to the atm, take out $100 and spend less than a dollar for a money order. either way, it's a hassle for me.
stamps - i think i paid $8.40 for the book of stamps that i need for my monthly payments, since they don't accept anything online. which i had to wait in line for, because post offices no longer offer stamp kiosks, since they are about to go under.
gas - well i don't have an exact figure. but every month, i have to go to the post office to drop off my monthly payment, that needs to be in by the third week of the month. this doesn't include the gas i used to make trips to my lawyers office, the court house, sheriff's office, probation office.
social drinkers program - i paid about 100-200 for a 6 week program that did absolutely nothing.
victim impact panel - $10. only cash or money order.

that's only the monetary expenses. this doesn't take into account all the hours i spent panicing about what was going to happen, crying, freaking out about going to jail, etc. i also would've lost my license had it not happened while i lived in one state, then moved to another in the process. however, this meant that i had to change my license to a md, which cost 40. i also have to get my tags switched over, which i have yet to do bc it will cost me $800 just to get my car fixed to pass md's inspection. to get my md tags, i'll have to pay $42

but you will never hear about all the fines you'll incur because the cops need the money. fact is, most dui's don't result in fatalities. if you drink and drive, chances are you WILL NOT cause injury to someone else. however, you will get pulled over. no one ever stops drinking and driving on their own, it's always because they got caught. i know that i would still be doing it if i hadn't gotten pulled over.

so yes, i am thankful that i got my wake up call before i caused damage to another person's life. however, had i heard about how poor i would end up being as a result of drinking and driving, i wouldn't have done it in the first place. the whole "you could kill someone" is a concept that is so far removed from our conscious. it's one of those things that you could never understand that pain until you go through it. it's so foreign to us, and we think "that will never happen to me" and it probably won't

but like i said, if you drink and drive, you will get caught. and you will have to pay money. every day i think about how better off i would be financially had i not gotten behind the wheel. that $1200 i had to pay my lawyer was the money i paid to my mom in rent, that she saved for me. i could've used that money for my apt now. i wouldn't be wondering how i'm going to pay for christmas gifts since i'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. i wouldn't have to find a second job just to help my $95 fine every month. i could afford to get my dog neutered, which he desperately needs. i could pay for his preventative meds. hell, i could pay for my meds (which cost $71 a month. i have to ask my mother to pay for them most of the time) i could afford cable and internet, instead of having to steal internet from a neighbor and staring at a blank tv screen. i'd like to get a blackberry or iphone, when my contract is up, but i can't afford to. when the doctors were trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, i was freaking out because i had no idea how i was going to pay for all the blood work they were having done, on top of office visits. i have to make my student loan payments "interest only" because i can no longer afford them. hell, i could afford to buy the real brand, instead of the store brand food i've been buying to save money. i'd really like to move out of hagerstown, but i can't until my probation is up. which is august.

when you put it in terms like that, people realize just how close to home it can affect them. so next time you plan on drinking and driving (and let's be honest, everyone plans on it), stop and ask yourself if you can legitimately afford it. could u pay for the lawyer, the court costs, the probation fees on top of whatever else you're paying? well, could you?

well this can't be good

bad night at work.

preceded by a bad month and an even worse year.

what do i do when i get home? have my dog curl up next to me and promptly google "effexor overdose"

first i want to see if it's possible to die from an overdose. it is.

then i google "effexor overdose amount" from a link on the first result page, i discover that it takes 900mg to cause toxicity. i take 150mg daily. so six pills.

but six pills would probably only give me seizures. 12 would be good.

i stop and think "christ am i really thinking about this?" sure, the thought has always been in the way back of my mind. i've pretty much convinced myself that it's always there for everyone else to. my thoughts would always come to the fact that i couldn't bring myself to drink bleach, i don't like guns and where the hell does someone get rope. then i would ponder the next thought to come along

but i've never done

this.

i've never researched, counted, wondered.

but i've also never felt so worthless, alienated and alone. like i don't even want to tell anyone about this. usually when i get depressed, i search for someone to talk to. but not this time. there's no one to talk to who wouldn't be annoyed or upset or burdened. i mean....jesus, i'm convinced my own dog doesn't like me. who thinks that?!

what am i supposed to do?

do i check myself into a hospital?

well i can't afford that, so that's out.

i don't know.

this helps. writing everything out. it's like i'm bleeding without making a mess.

i just.....

i have nothing to show. i was thinking about "it's a wonderful life" tonight and how clarence shows george how everyone's lives would be different if he had never been born. as it turns out, george was a good man and quite a few people's lives were worse off without him.

but i'm not good.

i would go so far as to say people's lives would be better without me. my mother wouldn't have a daughter she constantly fights with, my father wouldn't have someone who is perpetually indebted to him, my sister would be an only child with parents who had money to pay for her schooling. my friends wouldn't have someone they felt obligated to calm down at least once a month, if not more. my high school boyfriend would've never became a drug addict. the girls in middle school wouldn't have had a bully. even as a child i was horrible. i preferred my imaginary friends to flesh and blood ones. i told my teachers that my older sister was murdered by "robbers" i never had an older sister.

i haven't done anything for anyone, let alone myself. granted, my family would be sad. but they would get over it. it would take time, of course. they would realize that i had nothing to offer to society, let alone them. i was just a leech that drained them of all their resources.

i brought happiness to no one and pain to everyone.

i'm incapable of establishing meaningful ties to anyone.

maybe my soul expired while i was a child. perhaps i never meant to live to see puberty. it would certainly explain a whole hell of a lot

i declare war on halloween

i went costume shopping this afternoon. i was psyched. i had a coupon for $10 off at party city, found the costume i wanted from them online, and was sure that since i was going relatively early in the season sizes wouldn't be an issue.

it was nothing short of a trainwreck.

first off, the store didn't even have the costume. and it took me 30 minutes to figure that out because they had pictures of their costumes on a wall. a wall that had pictures of probably a hundred or so pictures. nothing irritates me more than when a store doesn't have the same product as it does online and they don't say it. is it so hard to put "online exclusive" in the description? look, i just did it for you. copy and paste it.

all was not lost. i spotted two slutty inmate costumes and thought that with my recent run-in with the law, this would be perfect. well they didn't have one in my size and the other one was a medium/large. not a good sign, but i tried it on anyway. horrible. i was sporting quite the offensive camel toe. and i couldn't zip it up. disheartened, i left the store and went to the next one.

this store was bigger, but the selection blew. they only had 4, at the most, of each costume and most only went to a medium. then i spotted the female harry potter costume in a large. i had to try it on. here's what it looks like


notice how the skirt covers most of the ass, leaving only a little bit of under-butt cleavage. well, this was not the case for me. it fit just fine. if it were meant to be worn as a shirt. the bottom of the skirt was at the top of my ass.

now, i've never thought that i had a particularly long torso. clearly, i've been wrong about this my entire life. obviously, i have a huge torso, according to the manufacturers of overpriced, wear-one-time-only, cheap pieces of cloth. thanks guys, you're making me hate halloween.

instead of entirely losing my cool and swearing off halloween forever, i've come up with a brilliant solution. every chick goes as a slutty something. slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty taxi driver, slutty clown (i wish i were joking about that one. i am not) this year, i am cutting out the middle man. i will not be a slutty anything; i will just be a plain old slut. my own personal "fuck you" to the costume industry.

i'll get more drinks wearing lingerie, than what the slutty alice in wonderland will get. it clearly says "if you buy me drinks, i'll probably let you see my boobs" whereas, slutty strawberry shortcake says "buy me drinks and i'll make you think you're banging a 6 year old because i have an unhealthy fetish/obsession with my childhood" because really, dressing up like a childhood icon is just a mild form of pedophilia.

or at least that's what im telling myself to feel better about this whole ordeal.